The Great Duck Detective!
by WileE2005
Summary: Here's another spoof of Disney's "The Great Mouse Detective," this time with Daffy Duck in the title role as Dorlock Holmes. Only thing is, Dorlock may not be as great a detective as everyone thinks. Also loosely based off Chuck Jones's cartoon "Deduce You Say."


**THE GREAT DUCK DETECTIVE**

**Disclaimer: **The Looney Tunes, Scooby-Doo, and all related characters are the properties of Warner Bros. Entertainment. This is based loosely off the 1986 Disney animated feature "The Great Mouse Detective" and the 1956 Looney Tunes short "Deduce, You Say." This is all simply a work of fan-fiction. (And yes, this will be quite different from my "Family Guy" version.) The Looney Tunes will be in their classic designs in this story…

Chapter 1:

Our Story Begins

_We start in a very nice library of some sort. After panning across some books, we find Wile E. Coyote, snuggled up in an easy chair, wearing a purple smoking jacket with black ascot and black-framed reading glasses, scanning through a book. He notices he is on camera, and puts down the book to begin his introduction…_

"Oh, uh, how do you do? Permit me to introduce myself… my name is Wile E. Coyote, SUPER Genius. Tonight I am here to present a rather cultural presentation by the Looney Tunes troupe. Here, we will be seeing an adaptation of Sir Conan Doyle's great detective character, Sherlock Holmes! He is one of the most intelligent, cunning and logical of all of literature's detectives, though he probably could not match up to MY genius. But I am simply presenting the story tonight, ladies and gentlemen. My fellow co-actor Daffy Duck will assume the role of the investigator."

"Ooh, I can hardly wait!" Daffy Duck said, bounding into the frame.

"Please leave, Daffy," Wile E. told him. "Get into your costume. We're about to start!" Daffy did as he was told and left to get ready. "And now, let us begin the story. I shall paint the scene. The setting is 19th century London, the year 1897 to be precise, on a rather foggy night, with a storm closing in, on the home of the lovable toy maker Bugs Bunnersham…"

…

It was a rather damp, foggy evening in London. Big Ben could be heard chiming in the distance, along with a dog barking. A horse-drawn buggy traveled down the cobblestone street, its horse sneezing, passing a small shop: "Bunnersham's Toys."

Inside, Bugs Bunnersham (played by Bugs Bunny) was with his son Clyde Bunnersham (played by his nephew Clyde Bunny.) They were celebrating Clyde's birthday.

"You know daddy," Clyde began, "This is the best birthday I've had!"

"Thanks," Bugs said, "but I haven't given you your present yet!"

"What is it? What is it?" Clyde hopped up and down excitedly.

"Now close your eyes," Bugs told him, "and NO peeking!"

So Clyde covered his eyes, as Bugs pulled out a wind up toy bunny resembling himself, winding it up. It began to play a fast but gentle-sounding tune, as Clyde uncovered his eyes, and watched as the toy rabbit danced in various zany moves (very much like Bugs in "Hot Cross Bunny" from 1949.)

"Oh daddy! You made this just for me?!" Clyde was overjoyed.

Meanwhile, outside the toyshop, a short strongly built man with a hunchback was lurching toward the place, chuckling evilly.

Back inside, Clyde hugged Bugs, saying, "You're the most wonderful father in the whole world!" Suddenly, the door handle began to jiggle. Though the door was locked, it was clear an intruder was trying to get in. Clyde gasped, "What's that?" as the door handle shook more intensely.

"I don't know," Bugs said, sounding quite nervous as well. He quickly took Clyde over into a cupboard, put him in and shut the door. "Now stay in here, and don't come out!" he instructed.

Then suddenly, the window next to the door burst open, smashing all the toys that were near it, and the intruder burst right through, with evil glaring eyes and ugly facial features. This was Wrenchfield.

From inside the cupboard, Clyde could hear the fight of Bugs versus Wrenchfield, with crashes and scuffling abound. He peeked out a bit to watch the horror, as he could also hear his father yelling "Clyde! CLYYYYYYYYDE!" After a few minutes of the horror, the sounds of the struggle died down and the lights in the shop went out. Clyde banged on the cupboard door a bit, to try and get out, as a chair from the fight was blocking it. But then he managed to get out of the cupboard, and began to look around. The toyshop was in ruins, and Bugs was nowhere to be found.

"Daddy! Where are you?" Clyde said nervously, looking around. "Daddy… where are you?" He climbed to the open window and called out, "Daddy?! … DADDY!"

…

WARNER BROS. ANIMATION

Presents

THE GREAT DUCK DETECTIVE

Starring:

Dorlock Holmes – DAFFY DUCK (Jeff Bergman)

Dr. David H. Watkins – PORKY PIG (Bob Bergen)

Clyde Bunnersham – CLYDE RABBIT (Tara Strong)

Bugs Bunnersham – BUGS BUNNY (Jeff Bergman)

Queen Webster – GRANNY (June Foray)

Housekeeper – TINA RUSSO (Annie Mumlo)

OWEN DECASSLE (James Arnold Taylor)

WRENCHFIELD (Nick Jameson)

TASMANIAN DEVIL (Jim Cummings)

MARC ANTHONY (Frank Welker)

RED HOT RIDING HOOD (Melissa Manchester)

WILE E. COYOTE (Kelsey Grammer)

Music

HENRY MANCINI

Supervising Producers

SPIKE BRANDT

TONY CERVONE

Animation Services

LOTTO ANIMATION

Written by

WILEE2005 (Yours truly)

Directed by

VICTOR COOK

TOM MAZZOCCO

…

A little later, in another part of London, another character was arriving, narrating his introduction…

"_It was the eve of our g-g-g-good queen's diamond jub-bu-bu-bu-bilee, and the year Her Majesty's g-guh-guh-guh-g-government came close to d-d-dis-disa-dis-di, er, catastrophe. She… oh, uh, I-I-I'm getting ahead of myself. My name is D-d-d-d-doctor David H. Watkins, most recently of the Queen's 66__th__ regiment. I had just a-a-ah-ah-arrived in London after a lengthy service in A-a-af-af ,er, Afghanistan, and was looking to find a quiet, and hopefully d-d-dry place, where I could rest and find a b-b-b-bit of peace. Little did I know, that m-m-my life was ab-b-buh-buh-buh-bout to change forever…_"

A horse-drawn cab was traveling down the street, with Dr. Watkins (played by Porky Pig) riding. After a bit, the cab dropped off Watkins at a corner, with his newspaper and umbrella. He checked the paper again, looking to rent a room, and then thunder crashed in the distance, and it began to rain. Watkins noticed this, opened up his umbrella, and began walking. As he walked through the rain, he could hear someone crying in an alley. So he decided to investigate, and saw Clyde sitting on an old crate, sobbing.

"Eh-wa-ba-wa-ba-what's the matter, little boy?" Dr. Watkins asked.

"I… I'm lost," Clyde explained. "I'm trying to find Dorlock Holmes of Beeker Street. I read about him in this paper." He handed a newspaper to Watkins.

"Now let me see…" Watkins said as he took out a pair of bifocals and read an article. It said "INFAMOUS DETECTIVE BARELY SOLVES BAFFLING DISAPPEARANCE." He understood. "I see, but where are your m-m-m-mother and father?"

That question made Clyde more upset. "Th-that's why I must find Dorlock!" he sobbed.

Watkins looked at him sadly a bit, but then brightened up. "Well, I d-duh-duh-do-don't know any Dorlock… but I do remember where B-B-B-Beeker Street is."

Clyde smiled, looking a bit more hopeful. Watkins opened up his umbrella again and walked him out of the alley. "Now come with me," he said. "We'll find this D-D-D-Dorlock chap together." They walked off back into the rain.

…

A short while later, Dr. Watkins and Clyde arrived at the flat of 221-B Beeker Street. Watkins knocked on the door, and the housekeeper, Tina Russo, answered the door, with her arms full of some books, sheets, and a medieval mace.

Removing his hat courteously, Dr. Watkins asked, "G-g-g-g-good evening, miss. Is this the r-r-re-resi-re-re, er, home of Dorlock Holmes?"

"Yes," Tina said, not sounding too thrilled. "I'm sorry to say it is. But he's not here at the moment, but you're welcome to come in and wait."

At that, Clyde ran right in to get dry, sat near the fireplace and checked out a magnifying glass with interest. Tina tossed her load into Dr. Watkins's arms and rushed to dry him off.

"Wow, you must be cold and damp from being out in the rain! Let me dry you off. And I have just the thing: a pot of tea and some of my fresh crumpets!" She wrapped the towel around Clyde, and headed into the kitchen.

"Crumpets?" Clyde asked, confused.

Dr. Watkins and Clyde looked around a bit. The apartment did look to be somewhat messy. Books and clothes were scattered around the room.

As Dr. Watkins was hanging up his coat, he heard a strange voice outside. "Ha-ha, the villain slipped this time. I SHALL HAVE HIM!" The front door burst open to reveal a strange human figure dressed in a black dress suit and tie, and his African-American face had a much lighter color surrounding his lips, giving him the appearance of a comical but offensive blackface caricature. Lightning flashed outside, as if to enhance the drama. Then the blackface man waltzed in, singing, "_Mammy, my little Mammy…_"

"Ee-ba-WHAT THE?!" Dr. Watkins asked, with noticeable shock in his voice. "Now that's just r-ruh-ruh-RACIST!" he angrily told this guy.

"What? Oh?" the blackface man stopped. Then he grabbed the top of his head and stretched it up, his face looking comically distorted, before the latex mask popped right off with a wet snap, revealing a black duck's head underneath (played by Daffy Duck!)

"Sorry," he said in his true voice, with a noticeable lisp. "But this disguise fools 'em every time! Anyways, I'm Dorlock Holmes of Beeker Street, my good fellow!" He bowed, still gripping the empty sagging human mask in his hand.

As Dorlock Jones put down the mask and slipped out of his suit to reveal he was standing on stilts, Tina peeked out from the kitchen and explained, "As racist as it is, sometimes Dorlock has to go undercover for some of his cases. Yesterday he went out as this old Jewish guy, and tomorrow… well, he'll probably go out as a Chinaman!"

Regardless of his appearance, Clyde was happy to see Dorlock Holmes was back. As the detective duck pulled on a red bathrobe, the young rabbit asked, "Mr. Holmes, I need your help!"

"Not now, kid," Dorlock said, tossing the dart he used to hand up his bathrobe at a picture of Marlin (of _Finding Nemo_) he had been using as target practice.

"But you don't understand," Clyde tried to explain. "I have a lot of trouble…"

"Wait, please!" Dorlock said, walking by and not listening to Clyde.

"Hey, now see here," Dr. Watkins began, obviously impatient. "This young man is in need of a-a-assi-as-assis-assi-a, er, help, and you go and…"

"Hold this please, Doctor," Dorlock said, handing a gun to Watkins.

"Why of course," Watkins said gratefully, but then realized he was holding a gun pointed at his head! He nervously pulled it back at arm length until Dorlock retrieved it. Then he realized something else. "Wait, how d-d-did you know I was a d-d-do-doctor?"

"I can tell by the clothes you are wearing," Dorlock said. "That makes it rather obvious." He loaded a bullet into the gun, and then tossed three pillows at him.

"Amazing," Watkins said, his voice muffled by the pillows.

"Actually, it's elementary school, my dear Watkins," Dorlock said as he spun the revolver and aimed the gun at him. Terrified, Watkins threw the pillows onto Dorlock's armchair, and pulled Clyde behind it as well. The gun fired and the pillows exploded into white feathers flying throughout the room, as Watkins and Clyde cautiously peeked out and Dorlock coolly blew the smoke from the gun barrel.

"What the heck is going on?!" Tina said, as she came out of the kitchen, having heard the shot. She spit out several feathers and said, "My good pillows!" Then she eyed Daffy digging through the feathers on his chair, trying to find the bullet. "Mr. Holmes!" Tina angrily scolded. "How many times do I have to tell…"

"There, there, Tina, it's all right," Daffy said, dismissing her complaints. He sniffed the air. "By the way, I think I smell your nice fresh crumpets! Why don't you fetch our guests some?" He pushed her to the kitchen door.

"Dorlock, I…" Tina began, before Dorlock shut the door on her. Then he got on all fours. "Now, I know that bullet is somewhere…" He found Clyde holding up the bullet he was looking for. Grabbing it in his hand, the duck grudgingly said "Thank you mister…"

"Bunnersham. Clyde Bunnersham," the young rabbit grinned.

"Eh, whatever," Dorlock dismissed him and headed over to a microscope.

"Yes, but you DON'T UNDERSTAND…" Clyde insisted.

Dorlock shushed him, and checked the two bullets closely. He then slid them under a microscope, and lined them up so their markings matched each other. So far, they were identical. "Yes… mostly the same…" Dorlock said under his breath.

But then he noticed one bullet had markings completely different from the other. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed. "DRAT! Another dead end." He picked up the other bullet and tossed it aside. Apparently he had been very close to catching a culprit, and had failed. He gloomily walked over to his easy chair. "He was within my grasp!" he moaned as he plopped down in his chair. Then he picked up his violin and bow placed next to the chair, the strings making plucking noises as he handled it, and started to play. But the "music" was very loud and screechy, as Dorlock was not very good at playing the violin. Dr. Watkins and Clyde covered their ears in agony.

"Ee-ba-ah-ah-that racket!" Watkins complained. "It's not real music! M-m-make it stop!"

"STOP THAT NOISE!" Clyde yelled, to which Dorlock stopped his fiddling. He turned to look at Clyde, who said, "Now will you PLEASE listen to me? My daddy's gone, and I'm all alone!"

"Kid, this isn't a good time," Dorlock said, going back to his shrill off-key violin playing. He then said, a little louder so Clyde could hear over the noise, "Surely your mother knows where he is…"

"But I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER!" Clyde shouted. To which Dorlock's "music" came to a halt with an even louder screech.

Dr. Watkins took his fingers out of his ears. "Whew! W-w-wha-w-what a relief!" he said, wiping his forehead.

"You see, they got divorced months ago…" Clyde gloomily explained to the duck detective.

Dorlock looked rather uncertain. "Well uh, then, perhaps…" He then firmly told the small bunny, "Look kid, I have no time for lost fathers!"

"I DIDN'T lose him," Clyde defiantly said. "He was taken by some ugly small guy."

Dorlock's eyes widened and he eyed Clyde. This information seemed rather important. "Did you say an ugly small guy?" he questioned.

"Yes…" Clyde said.

"Did this guy have a hunchback?" Dorlock wanted to be sure.

"I didn't see," Clyde said, going from memory. "But he had a peg leg!"

Dorlock stood up on the arms of his chair, still holding his violin and bow in his hands. This information was all he needed. "HA!"

"Gee, do you a-ah-uh-know him?" Watkins asked.

"Know him?!" Dorlock excitedly said. "That was Wrenchfield! He works for the very fiend I'm trying to capture! The horror of my every-waking moment. The nefarious Professor OWEN DECASSLE!" With his bow, he pointed to a portrait on his mantle frame, showing a well-dressed gray-haired man with a mustache, somewhat resembling Vincent Price. The fire roared like crazy in the fireplace, and outside lightning struck as the portrait seemed to grin evilly.

"O-O-O-Owen DeCassle?" Dr. Watkins asked uncertainly.

"He's a GENIUS, Watkins," Dorlock explained, peeking out from different angles behind his chair. "A genius twisted for evil. The Napoleon of crime!" More lightning flashed and thunder boomed as he leaped from behind the chair.

"H-he-he's that bad?" Dr. Watkins seemed a little nervous.

"WORSE," Dorlock said dramatically, poking his head through the banister. Then he tried pulling himself out, and tugged a bit before releasing his head and flying into the wall. But that didn't stop him. "For years, I've tried to capture him and I've come close, so very close, but each time he's escaped my grasp! Not a corner of London's safe while DeCassle's at large. There's no evil scheme he wouldn't concoct! No depra-ti-vity he wouldn't commit! Who knows what scheme that despicable villain may be plotting… even as we speak?"


End file.
